WOW! What it feels like to be alive again.
I felt myself slip into a depressive state and man, you have no fucking idea how hard I have fought to get out of it. It took weeks and as soon as I surfaced for a breath of fresh air, all I wanted was to breathe and breathe and breathe. And it feels amazing.
The emotional turmoil has been unbelievably overwhelming. From close friends exiting my life, to friends exiting the world and me wanting to exit as well… Work not going according to plan, discrimination, sexism and a lot of other shit that I cannot even begin to explain nor comprehend. Which brings me to the title of this post.
The theme “No New Friends” is doing its round again and it has made me think a lot about the sort of people who have come and gone from my life.
“You don’t lose friends, because real friends can never be lost. You lose people masquerading as friends, and you’re better for it.”
And I’m not gonna deny it, maybe I didn’t deserve some of these friendships that broke, perhaps I was the toxic one, because of my mental state. Maybe I wasn’t vibrating on the same wavelength and there was a disconnect, and always will be.
I was having a chat with a friend in Ontario the other day and I mentioned that my immediate friend circle changes quite often, say every 1-2 years and he laughed and said he doesn’t know why that happens to me and that he’s had the same friends for 20 years now.
I mean, I have friends that I’ve known since I was 4 years old to date. We bump into each other now and then, maybe still connected on Facebook too. But are they in my immediate friend circle? No.
I have said this in countless blog posts of mine and repeat this in conversations to people as well. Everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. And I grow every season. Which means, the next person will serve a different purpose in my life and fuel me in a different way. It comes down to growth, I believe.
It’s amazing how after clearing the weeds, I’ve had friends from 3-6 years ago surface in my life, they may not even be in the same country as me anymore, but they’re there, and boy have they been there for me. And that’s what it is. It’s that damn high rotation of internationals coming in and out of Kenya, that leave a mark and go off to their next destination. But the real ones still stay connected.
It’s effort. Especially if it’s worth it.
I did that. I left for Zanzibar for 2 months for some work, and yes, I neglected friendships. Why? Because I always gave – time, empathy etc. And for once I was giving myself the same and as soon as I did that. Silence. And then got blamed for being selfish. That was proof enough that I don’t need such people in my life, who don’t like the idea of their “friend” growing.
No New Friends in my life? Untrue. I made tons of new ones over the last few months but also had a big reshuffle of old ones, and it’s been exciting and I look forward to seeing how they all unfold.