In a week I turn 29. 29 y’all! It’s my last year in the 20s and even though we all say “age is nothing but a number”, it still puts things into perspective.
What have I done with my life? What have I achieved? What difference have I made? Have I created a legacy? What message am I leaving behind?
I had a moment sometime this year where I Tweeted a bunch of things I’ve never publicly shared, and going to story-fy it here to give you and understanding of where this post is coming from.
“31st March 2015 was my last day at Radio Africa. I read an article Forbes wrote: People don’t leave companies, they leave managers. There’s only so much you can take especially when you’re 26 and going through a phase of not understanding who and what you are anymore.
Westgate was my turning point. I was 25 when it happened and all I ever asked myself after the attack was – What have I done with my life?
There were things I felt weren’t achievements or anything to brag about. It came with the nature of my career. And it felt normal to me.
I was brought up by a single mother with my younger brother. Even though my mother came from a wealthy family, we weren’t “wealthy”. We’ve been through days and weeks where there was no food on the table and our neighbours would feed us. We grew up without a dad and my mother’s brothers were our male role models. So we were taught to toughen up at a young age.
Westgate made me think about every year of my life to 21st September 2013. What is my life?
I tried to quit Radio twice between 2013 and when I eventually did. That in between damaged and hurt me more than that attack itself. I’ll never forget Jay Sean’s words during my interview with him. He said: if you’re not happy…Then GO! & I sat there thinking, fuck. yes! I’ll never forget the feeling of my stomach dropping when Nafthali quit. I was like: fucker! You beat me to it! I wanted to get out SO BAD! I resigned 3 months after he did. I served a 3 month notice as opposed to 1 because… I’m nice like that 😛 #AprilFoolsDay 2015 – joke was on the world. I just started my life all over again!
Finally left Kenya with the help of many who supported me financially & otherwise. Left for South Africa – the biggest awakening of my life! Why hadn’t I traveled before? Because we couldn’t afford it. After coming back from SA, there were things that stuck with me and I implemented them in my daily life in Kenya thereafter.
I took a massive financial hit after quitting radio but I just couldn’t hurt my soul anymore. All these material things, they come and go… But you can only put up with damaging your heart, mind, body and soul for so long. I found ways through skills I learnt over the years working on radio to make money. Marketing, Voice Overs, Training etc. I started Bikram Yoga again. I started traveling more. I started to be more selective with the sort of people I surround myself with.
Then it all came crashing down. I was missing radio. I was missing “being known”. I thought MC’ing at Kenya Nights gigs would help, but no. This 27 year old had only known radio since she was 13 and now she has no idea who the fuck she is and what to do. I went through the most disgusting and awful phase of depression in 2016. I wouldn’t leave my house, room, bed… for weeks. I couldn’t openly speak to friends because my anxiety would tell me: you’re burdening them. Those who knew what was going on didn’t know what to say or do. Some would yell at me and tell me to “snap out of it”.
I wasn’t working, I wasn’t socializing – I wasn’t even traveling to refresh my mind, body, heart and soul. I was doing nothing. So everything started to pile up, finances, weight. Started losing friends, confidence. I was pathetic. But there was a turning point when I saw myself from above. Lying in bed. Slob. Disgusting. And the saddest thing I ever saw… And said no Sadz. This is not you. This cannot be you. This can’t be whom you’ve become. Come on… Pull yourself together.
I went for a camping trip with a bunch of friends and came back refreshed and energized and even called my previous coach to tell her… That was my new turning point. That was when I took a breath of fresh air again. As soon as I was able to consciously decide to refocus, regroup and put my life back in order again… Everything started to fall in place.
I started traveling every month, got a new job and sorted my shit out! After having gone through a horrible phase and after all the mental, spiritual, physical effort I put into getting out of it… THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL OR ON EARTH I AM GOING BACK TO THAT!
I felt myself creeping back into that phase again as a few things started to stir up again but I caught myself immediately & worked on it. People see me out & about, doing my thing. Smiling, laughing, dancing, having fun. Not realizing what it took for me to feel that way again. Not realizing that I have to account every cent I spend because I can’t afford it like how I was able to before. Not realizing that I choose to hang with certain people and not them because after radio I know who was there and who wasn’t.
I’m not religious. I am spiritual. I believe in energies and aura’s. If I don’t like the vibes I’m getting from you, ciao ciao! When you reach a point where you know who you are, what you are, what you want, what you don’t want… You stop giving a fuck!
The problem with growing up Asian-African is that you’re taught to obey rules based on fear and when you do what you want, you’re a rebel. But can you call an almost 29 year old rebellious? Isn’t becoming more aware of yourself at such an age meant to make you stronger?
Not the talk of the town because suddenly you’re doing whatever the fuck you want but everyone has a problem with it because… “it’s not you”
Do you even know who I am?
I put these pieces back together differently.
You don’t even know who I am.”
So this basically is a reflection of my thoughts and to give you an idea of where my mind-set is. I’ve reached a point where there are things I won’t tolerate anymore, don’t have time for anymore and won’t partake in if I don’t want to.
I used to care so much about what people think of me and now I’m like this is me, like it or not, this isn’t going to change and I love myself – this curvy, tall, quirky, annoying, high pitched, smiling, crystals & sky loving, ditsy self – irrespective of your thoughts.
I have a year to 30, and if I make it… I hope my personal ethos and mindfulness remains peaceful, loving and caring. If I can maintain that for myself, I can pass it on to others. And that’s my goal for the rest of my New Year and coming years.