Without Expectation

Way too much running through my head. I think one of the scariest places on Earth has to be your own mind. The damage it can do… Simply sitting there, alone with non-stop thoughts and thoughts and thoughts.

Sometimes they’re productive but equally destructive – I guess it’s all about balancing it out well.

It’s approaching 1AM as I write this, and I have provoking thoughts running through my mind. I’ll lay it out there and even say I gave it a good cry. A much needed one for that matter.

What’s on my mind right now is how many people have come and gone – returned and gone, from my life.

Particularly after Westgate.

Sure, you can go ahead and say “oh great, here we go with the whole Westgate thing again”. But really, you had to be there to understand how or why it surfaces often.

I do things whole-kindheartedly for people. Before Westgate, I’m pretty sure I had no expectations either. But that week right after Westgate, I had expectations from everyone beyond belief. I had expectations from people I didn’t give two hoots about. But even more, about people I gave 100 hoots about.

For them, to not have delivered the way I expected them to, drove me away from them. Cut them off. Blocked. Deleted. Erased. Gone from my life.

image1When I think about it now, I wonder, should I have done that? But when I go deeper into thought, something as simple as… “Did they try to come back?” comes back to me. Oh. But did they? Of course not. Guess I cleared out weeds indeed.

The most interesting and most fascinating bit for me is those friends who tried to be there for me, but eventually pushed themselves away from me because they didn’t know what to say, or how to relate or even be there.

That’s the worst part – That all they had to do – Was actually, literally be there. Not walk away not knowing.

Contradicting right?

I cut people off for not being there for me – and my closest friends walked away from me because they didn’t know how to be there for me.

Or maybe not.

Maybe, that’s the perfect balance.

Why does it bother me though? I still try to reach out to those who walked away. Not because I want to amend things, but because I know they’re dealing with things that they need help with – emotionally mostly.

Another interesting thing that happened was towards the first Westgate memorial – I had the toughest week – Things started to surface that didn’t even cross my mind for a whole year – but the urge and necessity to be out of Nairobi for that weekend was something that I HAD TO DO. I was going crazy – literally! Here’s the worst part – the friends I called closest, decided they would rather be at Tusker Day in Nairobi than come camping with me in Naivasha and only one friend from the circle put his hand up, took initiative, rallied up people and made sure I got out of Nairobi that weekend.

I won’t deny I held it against them for the rest of the year and didn’t spend time with them either – but we hang out now and I had to let it go. Which I did.

My friends who walked away before, walked aaway for good. These guys were still around – despite not wanting to come camping. They are STILL around.

image2On a different note – Last year, I helped someone out – beyond necessary. Not because I was getting anything out of it – but because if I have the capacity to help someone fulfill their dream, then why not? Only to be stabbed in the back? Oh and it hurt. A LOT.

But why? Why would something like that hurt when I had nothing to gain from it?

I suppose I had some sort of expectation – perhaps a simple form of appreciation. If not anything else.

The reason I’m even writing this is because I see it happen too often. With other and still, with myself.

It’s still heartbreaking – but you still go on – because that’s your nature. Which is brilliant!

If you go on that way, being you, doing you, hurt after hurt, and still giving without expectation… You have a big heart.

Like they say, when you fall in love and someone breaks your heart, that should not stop you from loving again.

That’s just the circle of life and I’ve learned to accept that.

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